The Birthday Bleak

it's been more than a decade since i was 13/ the sky had fallen/ and risen for over a hundred times.

one would think, i've grown out of the glass jar that held the teenage teardrops tempered with seasonal emotions. one would think, i've lost the key to the locked up dreams in my dusty attic. one would think, i've really…. grown up this time. right?

but ma, i'm stuffing my face in the same rugged blanket every night.

tonight, i identify with a solitary rose on ivory ground. i'm caught between the ebb & flow of life and all i know is how to drown. years went by celebrating my death plea to atropos. yarns of recurrent ultimatums wrapped up my existence, and i’ve been there ever since, four steps away from the death of this season. i was made to carry this blood sorbet in my heart shaped chrysalis; one which kept me stone cold inside. tonight, i identify as december’s doom and winter's bliss at the same time. 

the world didn't end at 13 like i had it checked inside my head, it had only got worse instead. 

now on a good day, i let the monsters override. i am my parents’ gifted child, gathering shiny trauma with blue ribbons like my birthright. and one would think, what must've happened to a lamb for it to learn how to bite? one would think, what makes a winter child burn so bright? one would think, i’ve really…. figured this out of spite.

but ma, i'm running out of white frosting to hide the red inside. 

another year passed by, icing on my lips/ massacre on my plate/ i was left alone with a knife again. 

ma look, i’ve committed a felony and everyone cheered through it. i've buried dead wishes between these layers and everyone devoured it. i've left the cursed doorstep of thirteen a long time ago, but now it's doubled up to me.

ma, don't you think one thirteen would nullify the other just right? tell me, can i bring the sky under this confetti light? say if you please ma, can I be numb for my swan song tonight?